Top straight white guy jobs in '25

23 Sep 2025

or How to unleash that secret talent you’re sure you have somewhere, big guy

Doing things is hard. Making new things requires understanding existing things. Skills take time to develop, tools need to be mastered, creativity requires imagination. Who can be arsed? Certainly not the straight white guys of the internet!

Here are some things they can fall upwards into, despite everything about them.

Looking at things

This is a great place to start because the barrier to entry is almost zero. You’re probably reading this on a thing which can take photos, so that saves any initial expenditure. Later you will need a Leica for the little red circle on the front. The process:

1. See somthing
2. Point the camera at it
3. Write a vague caption not related to the image “Sometimes the first step is the hardest” or “When the real enemy is within” etc
4. Buy gear.

What a poseur.

There’s no point where money is likely to fall out but if you grow your hair a bit floppy and tell a lot of people you are a photographer, maybe someone dumb and pretty will let you look at them through a lens. This is literally the dream of every white guy with a Leica, to become a pornographer without having to learn anything or hire sex workers.

Listening to things

Music reviews used to be useful in 1999 when CDs were like £15 (which is probably £40 in 2025 sterling) and your pocket money covered maybe one or two a month. But it’s not 1999 now and everyone has access to basically all of the music basically all of the time. No one needs to read reviews to decide whether they’ll listen to Showbiz or Performance and Cocktails or Californication. You can quickly flick through all three and be judgemental (overwrought juvenile psuedointellectualism, unimaginitive and unambitious, overproduced overwritten earache, respectively) in a shorter time than it would take to find the right issues of NME.

Nevertheless that guy Anthony Fantano is over there and Rick Beato is that way and Christgau still exists (why?) and you could join them if you can bitch your way into a position of presumed authority on a form of media which essentially exists as a utility rather than luxury now.

See also: that guy booted from comedy rock one hit wonders the Darkness. Youtube suggests him all the time but I never click it. Will it learn?

Playing video games

Remember how you were always being told to get off your arse and do something because playing video games doesn’t pay the bills? But now she has gone and you watch people you don’t know play games and people give them cash all day! Repeat after me: Fuck you Michelle, you’ll soon see, just as soon as I get some LED triangles for my wall and get good at Rocket League.

Literally just whinge about stuff

Podcasts are back again, again, though now no one has ipods or uses rss but who cares, grab a mic and make sounds!

Talking.

You can combine this with anything else (or nothing) so long as you’re talking. Someone is bound to want to listen!